The night before the induction I could hardly sleep. You know those times in life you go to bed and tell yourself “you need lots of sleep tonight” Then you don’t sleep at all. The anticipation, excitement, nerves, the adventure you are trying to completely absorb it all!  Never having experienced birth, but hearing all my friends stories of bliss, excitement and those feelings you jut can’t put into words.  We would be parents in a measurable and definitive amount of time now. A dream finally becoming a reality. At this point we were both assured whatever this moment brought us, we knew for certain that joy and gratitude would certainly be included.

We arrived at the hospital bright and early in the morning to begin the induction. Due to many babies being born that early morning we did a lot of waiting that morning. I did all the preparations on my Birth Plan. I set everything up I might need. Then you just sit and wait and wonder what is to come in the nearing hours. How will you react to the moment? Will it all go according to your plan? Is it really in your control what is happening? What will the baby look like? Will she have hair? What will her cry sound like? what did the high blood pressure my body was experience mean? Would it affect the baby? And all the other million questions a new mom asks herself! We sat and waited for what felt like forever! The fine details have been lost upon my memory like what time I was given pitocin, and cervidil. I find this a blessing that the little things in life we think matter so much are easily lost upon us. I went in feeling like I didn’t want any medications, but now its lost upon me what some of them may have even been. I do recall the morning of the birth and although I felt relatively calm, and excited at the same time my blood pressure was very high. That was assurance that even though we were delivering the baby at 37 weeks exactly and I wished she could stay in longer, our bodies were too stressed and it was time. I seemed to not make progress very quickly. I had a few contractions, but nothing like the intense pain my mind thought I’d be feeling. We did the baths, and rolling on the exercise balls. We walked the halls of the hospital, which was fun since that was also my place of employment at the time. We watched a movie together. I took a nap. It all sounds so exciting to recall! Next is is the part when the doctor broke my water. If I told this part of the story in person I would emphasize how this was the most painful part to me. It was not a simple process. My water didn’t want to break and I recall being in a lot of pain from the numerous failed attempts. It was finally successful. However, this didn’t seem to speed things up much either, just brought more irritable pains! I feel like my already anxious self let this pain lead me into a state of fear for what what was ahead. I had never heard that part would hurt. In fact most said they couldn’t feel it at all.  Then in the late afternoon when things were still not progressing the doctor came in and said we needed a new plan. It wasn’t safe for me to wait it out with dangerously high blood pressure any longer. So she felt if my body could relax with an epidural perhaps I’d start making progress. I didn’t want one, I still to this day don’t like it was what had to be. However, I knew I wanted more children and my fear of a caesarean section and complicated future births was an even bigger fear than the epidural. So we proceeded. Once I had the epidural my contractions very quickly and rapidly picked up. Fast and furiously. I don’t recall much time between that and the start of pushing. During her birth there were more interventions I needed. Oxygen for her heart rate dropping drastically during the pushing phase, at some point we also had to  use the vacuum suction on her head to assist the birth.

She was finally born at 7pm in the evening. The moment your baby is born and they put her on your chest you just well up with all the most intense feelings. You finally have that baby you have waited so long for. You feel her, smell her and see her. Its surreal. It is by far the most beautiful feeling of joy you can experience. Birth is no small feat. They relate it to preparing for a marathon for a reason. There were many times while I was pushing I thought I wouldn’t make it through. I guess you know you will, but it feels otherwise in so many physical and emotional ways! Once she was born I just wanted to hold her, I didn’t want to let her go. I had this intense urge to protect and shelter her. It was a conflicting feeling. One I don’t often share I had. It was that same feeling I still hold to this day each and every time someone meets her. The fear of judgement upon your child is real. One you have little control over. When you know your child isn’t the same as the general population that fear comes with a shield. One you learn and grow to respect and appreciate. That shield has a purpose, but if it isn’t used gracefully can hinder our growth as humans.

Even though I was proud I could not ignore the intense feeling that this wasn’t a typical baby, she was different. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was my baby, but something about her was not like the rest of us. In that first hour of looking and holding and loving on her I immediately decided I had a job to do, to uncover these feelings I had been having the entire pregnancy.  I would do it through love, I would show the world that this tiny human was meant to make a big impact on the world.

We can be different, yet exactly the same. I would trust all those gut instincts I had. I knew in my heart she was born ours because she trusted us to show her this world the way she wanted to live it. She chose us as her parents to carry out her dreams and wishes. If she chose me, there was no way I could back down from the job!

It wasn’t long before I noticed her little tiny ears had these bubbles of skin on them. The nurse and doctor saw it too. They assured us they are just skin tags and many people are born with them. I remember one of the nurses saying her son had one as well and it was easily removed. They are completely cosmetic we were told. My first reaction was that this was a visual sign my gut feelings did in fact mean something. However, it didn’t look emergent, so I put a hat on her and let the day move on! We had a new baby to learn all about, to love on, and learn how to care for!

She was a tiny little babe, weighing in at only 4 pounds 8 ounces, and 17 inches in length. She passed her initial Apgar test at birth. Things were going along so smoothly, so calm and peaceful now that she was here with us. She was given a quick little bath, and we wrapped her up like a burrito and continued to nurse, and rest together. It seemed at first that she had a fantastic latch and was feeding like a champ. She nursed for a good two hours. The nurses all commented that we must both be natural pros at this new mom and baby gig. So we were transferred to the regular postpartum suites. We were lucky enough to get the large suite at the end of the hall! The bliss of a new baby doing all the things she should seemed to be taking a turn once we arrived to our room. Things started being questioned, and the fears and anxieties started to rise late into the night and early morning. The tiny little healthy baby started failing tests, and we needed more support. Her first few days seemed to be a steady trend for her first early months of life.

We continued to hold onto the fact that love would get us through all of this. Together and with love this little girl had a chance to be exactly who she wanted. She was making it very clear from conception through pregnancy and birth that she was a determined soul ready to conquer the world regardless of whatever it was making her different!